Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
