If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
