I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
