I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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