Reggie can tackle my bush.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
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Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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