Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
