That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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