Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
