I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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