drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
