She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
