i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize