Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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