To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
two words: eviction party
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
