he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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