Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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