I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
