So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I have fence marks all over my body
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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