i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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