I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
