god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
