I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I currently don't understand fingers.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
