looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
