Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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