I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You're like the curious george of whores
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
