the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
