it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
