My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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