"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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