I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
