Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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