there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
