We won't sleep together?
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
