Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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