No awkward lesbian experiences without me
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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