I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
