where am i from again
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
