Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
