a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
worst night to have a conscience
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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