I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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