There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
