I think my vagina is haunted
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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