I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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