when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
