So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
