I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
