i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
