I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
