and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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