she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
