I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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