i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
