If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
