Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
