Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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