Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
