is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
